Sometimes I sit facing the screen wondering what I’m going to write, and there’s a certain length that I’m expected to write or else I’ll just be viewed as one of those bloggers who flood the internet with every thought they’ve had since they farted themselves awake… and that, my friends, is a debilitating fear I only wish on a couple of women. Some things are too long for Twitter or too much to go into without being terrified of the people who actually know me in real life making an appearance in the comments section (FOR ONCE!) and exposing my past discrepancies. Of course I’ll delete them, but you know, the internet never forgets.
However, this is just a post for all those thoughts I thought were epic enough to be written down and posted. Some of them can actually fit online, but after my #BitchesBeLike fame on Twitter I said fuck that site and any truthful opinions. If I ever have anything that I think is worth sharing I’ll just go back to Facebook and take out my anger on public forums and hope that maybe a screenshot of my awesomeness will make it back to Twitter… a vicious cycle of venom and validation. *sigh*
1.BOOM BABY BOOM
Babies, babies, babies everywhere. Babies in her avi, babies on Facebook, babies on IG (yes I joined sorry) as in what is going on? Please explain to me ladies because I don’t get it. Why do you want babies all of you? Everyone is pregnant. Gachagua told me that all girls who have babies make poor decisions then we laughed and hi fived one another. But seriously I have three scary sisters. And they’ve all followed a formula of getting boyfriends, living together, being introduced to the family and then you know, marriage comes afterwards and then a kid. I can’t dare go off this formula or else I’ll be excommunicated. You’d think I’d get used to this since it happens almost annually but honestly this would be the last thing I would ever do. And I’m barely making it past step one, so to skip ahead would just be some form of cheat codes and we do not operate like that.
This doesn’t even have to do with my three sisters (HA reference to Filipino soap and further evidence proving my lack of a life). That shouldn’t actually have been the first point explaining why I don’t have kids. I’m just unsure whether the man who will get me pregnant is not going to eventually resent the fact that he’s missing out on Blankets to take his kid to the dentist. Nowadays with the intense upsurge of parties and events everyone wants to be a socialite and appear on Kissing Bandit and be covered by Ghafla or appear on some KOT blog. These are our priorities right now as the youth. Where do nappies and dentist appointments fit in? Yes for now when the kid is still mewing and helpless it’ll be gorgeous and “oh my God let me post about (Kiswahili word that sounds hip as a first name, something like Jabali or Mwokozi or Wakili or some shit)’s first poop” and that’s cool… but wait till you start seeing your friends still out and about and more and more of them are becoming the socialites that you all so readily hated on together, you’ll stop being so quick to say how you’ll “never leave your child with a house help and how dare I suggest that you would be such a callous mother to abandon her baby like that” to quietly mentioning that the kid is with the aunt and quickly change the topic to when the next Hennessy party or whatever alcohol will be mainstream and mandatory to Instagram.
Now this is not an attacking post not entirely anyway) but I honestly don’t think I have the emotional capacity to be responsible for someone else’s life FOREVER. But why the rush to grow up? Where are you going? 2012 was a hoax guys… besides with all this horse meat and GMO foods the threat of a zombie apocalypse isn’t far from reality, but instead of being an able-bodied police officer with a bullet wound in your shoulder, you’re a mother with a crying baby. I’m just saying that little girl in Walking Dead was a serious liability. Also the mother almost lost her mind in grief and ultimately opted to burn to death because there was nothing left in her life. You don’t have the emotional capacity to handle anything like that, do you? Well, maybe you do. I on the other hand still wonder whether I’ll ever get to 1000 followers, and that already occupies a sickening amount of time, and I still hold grudges from 2009, even if I can’t remember for shit why we disagreed in the first place. I’m really running out of batteries for this one. Please stop having children. I mean if you’re already pregnant or a mother below the age of 23 well, fine, congratulations. But for the rest of you who have been blinded by the oxytocin that has flooded your system & fooled you that drunk cheating emotionally unavailable boyfriend of yours will be a good father, you better think the fuck again!
Shit. Yeah. I really didn’t want t talk about this so I’ll keep it as short as possible. The root of all Kenyan evil. I mean I already wrote a post talking about the dangers of Twitter but unfortunately the thing with Twitter is that you can’t really write a post calling everyone on it stupid, apparently people don’t take that very nicely. Oh well.
This site has really ruined a lot of things for everyone. First of all the whole crowd mentality is scary. I admit to being caught up in a mass decision because it was popularized by one of the bigwigs (WORST WORD EVER BTW!!!! WORST!!!!) especially the time when it was cool not to have a Facebook account. I honestly had deactivated ages before (I am hipster, I roared way before it was cool) but the fact that I could fit in was amazing. .
Twitter is that serious. Do not be fooled by anyone saying that Twitter isn’t that serious. IT IS. Thats why people are making careers off a couple of airbrushed, instagram filtered beyond recognition, half naked pictures and making a girl with a dead goats tail on her head and mitumba high heels think that “Bey was mos def talmbout me in Been On” with no degree and thinks balling out is taking a cab both from and back to the house (well, yeah that’s my broke ass definition). Actually Twitter is just making women dafter by the day. We can’t even get mad when men start attacking us with evil trends like #TweetLikeAKenyanChic. Whenever I see such things I just log out, there’s no point. They’ll be some good ones, then those will be stolen, then someone will take a really cheap shot and call someone fat or ugly or a whore, and then the more popular of the two will have that one idiot who comes to their defence without being asked and make that fool feel unnecessarily special, battles ensue, sides are taken, bad memes are made and at the end of the day a blog is written. Rinse. Lather. Repeat. And Ghafla doesn’t make it any better. I hate that website. But I want to be on it! Or at least the blog man come on thats like the TMZ of Kenya. And the posts that they write! I am constantly wondering who’s blowing who to get such positive views. But I am bitter, no lies. At least I’ll admit it. Anyway I’ll just earn my readers in a legitimate way, I shall not sell out guys. *pushes Mingle ticket out of sight* yeah.
And why do people share so much nowadays 0_O is nothing sacred? Do I share as much? Are my friends really having THAT much sex? Gai. Do we really need to know those personal details of your life? Be bright! Start a blog
Also, grammar nazis. Go to hell, you are not a grammar nazi if you’re correcting spelling, you’re just a walking talking embodiment of the red squiggly line. Teach me the difference between who and whom, correct some prepositions, use the correct tense. You fucking wannabe.
3. KEEP YOUR FEELINGS
Well, maybe this is some spillover hate from the last post, but you guys have gone really soft. Well, the ones that we observe, from online to the…well, I don’t really know seeing as I’ve opted to become a shut in (new year’s resolution ) but the problems I hear women complaining about are nuts, like the guy who started crying outside Bacchus because he had been frozen or just yesterday in school when some guy got beaten up because he started yelling about not being given a cigarette… and not any cigarette, a Rooster. Now he looks like Rihanna. LOL.
But where is the hair on your chest? Can you stop taking photos of your food and go take some photos at the damn gym, stop bickering with women online and constantly belittling weaves like you’re some gay hairdressers. Now if you continue doing silly things like that, ordinary women will now start looking like the Super Butch in Game of Thrones.
Please maintain shallap Anyway I can say what I want, I have dreadlocks.
Aaaand tomorrow is like a religious holiday, so I would leave stoners with the ultimate fuck-the-police video here. Happy 4/20
Also, the consecutive posts are all because of #Indicud and Rowick Deep. I AM CULTURED GHAFLA