Think Like A Man… Who Watches Soccer

There is nothing more confusing, emotional, heart wrecking, flabbergasting, tear jerking, orgasm inducing (and all those other adjectives we were taught in primary school, you know the ones that got you a tick and a VGOOD!!! In compositions) thing than football. And not that cheap knockoff of rugby that Americans destroyed (FUCK THE SUPERBOWL) but soccer. Its lead to deaths, broken teeth, money,marriage, divorce, sex… And don’t ask me how!

Dude: So Arsenal ikishinda utanigesh?
Chick: Haa fat chance!

*58 minutes later*
Dude: VAN PERSIE AMEWAHI HAT TRICK!!!

Chick: …….

Awesome can’t describe soccer. I’m not one to stereotype (except against violent Nyeri women and psychopathic Kisii men) but honestly I will never understand men who don’t watch soccer. Its strange. Almost gay even. Actually very gay. GAAAAAY! What are you doing when people are watching football? You’re touching yourself aren’t you? You sad lonely man.

In football you’ll see all types of fans, crazy fanatics, loyalists even in the worst of seasons, shit talkers, and even occasionally (though rarely spotted) a rare breed of something they call “graceful losers”. Women, men everyone falls in the arms of football. And what’s lovely about it, the same way people who live in specific areas in Nairobi can behave in certain ways, and the same way a generation differs from the next, you can actually group football fans in what team they support. You can tell how a man will treat you, love you and eventually dump you by just the team he supports.

Yes! There is an answer ladies.

Well many people will disagree, and yell and gimme that “all men are NOT the same, nobody told you to try them all whore!” And then you’ll walk away all smug and then I’ll laugh at your unoriginal ass that needed a tweet from a parody account of some B list actor from that bad movie you watched to insult someone so that you can feel better about yourself, even though you cry yourself to sleep after eating a packet of soggy biscuits and flat soda for supper… But I digress. Like I said, you can.

And here’s my very accurate (accurate meaning this is what I’ve seen and taken to be gospel truth because you can suck on a saggy tit if you don’t believe me) account of each significant team and its respective fan base. ((And please do not bore me with Wikipedia links. I have a blog. My opinion IS bullshit.))

Arsenal:

Awesome sense of humour (they constantly say Wenger Knows Best and their coach is called ARSEne. Its kinda obvious)

Unknown amount of loyalty, will either love you unconditionally and marry you with all your flaws (but of course bitch mercilessly to all his boys), or get fed up and leave you for a perky breasted girl with sex appeal you can’t see (but all your friends think she is WAY more gorgeous than you but will never say, well, not to your face)

If she’s a fan, she’ll be very oblivious to your cheating. Go ahead. (Fellas, you’re welcome)

Worst to break up with up. Masters of drunk dialling, with horrible insults and renditions of angry man songs like Deuces and anything Kanye West. Will always discourage anyone to be in a relationship with you.

Best to be dumped by though, because they will leave and never come back. Won’t do better though, so you can laugh at his failure, even if it comes after a LONG ASS while. (Cesc Fabregas)

Liverpool:

LOYAL. To death. Extremely faithful. Will stay, even after the Wonderbra goes off. (He will pledge allegiance to the flags. Haha. Gerrit? The flags? Coz of the flappy pancake boobs?

No?

Losers.)

Will never defend you when with the boys. He’ll just flash that one photo he took last year in the rain in Malindi and say that you can gerrit in that photo and apparently that should be enough justification for the many many maaaaaany days they came over and you had bad braids and a KANU t-shirt on.

Ladies if you’re dating a Liverpool fan, you’re the luckiest women. Even if you don’t think you’re pretty (and probably aren’t very) he thinks you’re the world.

Chelsea

Rare species. Haven’t encountered very many of these. The fans are mostly female.

When found though, they’re awesome.

Low bullshit tolerance. Has no interest in your opinions especially if they are depreciating in any way.

Serial daters. Very unhappy with bad sex. (Ladies, that’s why he left you. Don’t say its because you didn’t do this or you cheated. Your sex was bad. Bottom line.)

Only brags when he’s done something brilliant. For millions of years. Its worse if you doubted him. (Torres’ hat trick)

Very high self esteem. Will probably call you ugly to your face, then look in the mirror and smile, nodding at his own reflection.

Mostly very nice guys. But nice guys finish fifth

Manchester United.

Bastards. The lot of them. They don’t care what you say, probably will call you a bitch to your face and demand sandwiches after that.

Ego never ending. Because they are the shit. Probably successful and very good looking (and not the “yeah he’s cute”! The “oh my God I’d lick your body from head to toe right here right now!” Kind of good looking) Ambitious. A golddigger’s prime target!

Loyal. If you look good, keep clean, never lose weight, never wear a weave, don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t use swear words and never get a salary higher than his. If you don’t like it, there’s your best friend.

He is the man. You will never share the wheel. Don’t even wear jeans.

He’ll be a brilliant father though. Awesome with kids.

MOMBASA RAHAAAAAAAAAAAA! (You’ll understand if you watch Connect on K24) Mombasa ni RAHAAAAA.

Manchester City

Probably gay. Or in the closet. Or poorly endowed. Nobody knows. They’re just shady. And if you find a normal one, he’ll leave you if he doesn’t bust a nut. Haha. Bust a nut.

Hmmm. That’s that. All the other fans what are you doing? Wastes.

The Battle Of The Sexes

So finally, a real solid post… And nothing of the fruity poems I’ve been writing of late This post comes on the eve of the best days of the year… Or at least I remember wistfully… And a day after I discovered that true love prevails even in the face of adversity (Chelsea! We won! In the face of all the hating and lack of faith WE WON!!!! ALL HAIL THE DROGZ!!!!)

So ladies… How are you doing? This one’s for you. Again.

We all saw the case of that Nyeri woman, who at the age of 40, had the ninjette skills and prowess to turn a man’s face from a clean circle to a tattered dog eared Karatasi Brand graph book. We all giggled at the Zimbabwean men who were being kidnapped and ‘raped’ (apparently it IS possible to rape a man who is already willing *Kiraitu laugh*) and even laughed out loud when they blatantly refused to listen to those cases because there’s no provision for that in their (or rather, any) constitution. And every one of these cases came with their own justification. Nyambura The Nyeri Ninja was portrayed as this doe eyed woman who had just had enough of her drunkard husband and squalid conditions… Every one just happened to forget that every woman in the world has had enough of her drunkard husband and squalid conditions.

My point is that, well, women are finally getting some twisted version of equality that we’ve been crying about since Susan B. Anthony’s days. Well, I disagree. This is not equality. What equality is this that women can rape men and somehow say that its because we want a baby to hold and love. Where we can kick the teeth out of a man and shrug and say “man, the nigga’s a broke drunkard.” (I don’t even know why I’m complaining and this is probably the best deal women have gotten since multiple orgasms.)

Women have been oppressed from the word go… Its one of the first things written in the Bible. Although of course, I have a problem with this bit of information… If my history is correct, school back then was only for boys…where the girls stayed at home and grew up to be women who fetched water and baked bread and ran after Jesus in the market complaining about period pains and late menopause. So as punishment was being meted out by God it seems a little bit obvious that the people who had no way of pointing out their side of the story get the blame. Yeah, the book of Genesis was basically was the first historical movie script.

So we women were tempted into eating something right (which should make sense to us because… You know, there wasn’t any other woman to compare herself to…because… WOMEN) and we were cursed to suffer the pains of childbirth and seeing those children suffer… While men were told to go and till the soil which would probably bear no fruit.

If history had stopped developing AT THAT POINT IN TIME, I think we’d just be fine right? All we’d have to do is cook, clean, get babies and life’s good. Where did this maddening frenzy to give ourselves more work come from? Why? Why can’t we just accept the one good deal we’ve gotten throughout history? Oh, because a man made a few remarks, said that a woman’s place is in the kitchen? Well what the fuck is wrong with a kitchen? Its warm, innit? Would you rather be out there battling sabre tooth tigers? Really? But you’ll run screaming the minute something with eight legs scurries across your leg?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that women are incapable of doing what men can… Conjestina, Leyla Ali and half of Semenya have proven that really well. Were quite capable. But one thing we’ve never understood is that equality is nothing but a pipe dream. If it wasn’t then we should be beaten. Yes! If women want equality so badly then if your husband doesn’t like your cooking then he should be allowed to jab you a GOOD one! But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t pick your ass off the floor and beat him as well. And then all sports should be mixed! Leyla Ali vs Lennox Lewis… (Or…whatever, I don’t know a thing about boxing.)

Its not a mere coincidence that women make up 70% of the poor population worldwide. Its this whole “I can do this! I got this! I don’t need you” attitude that’s a leading cause. Don’t blame wars, and mistreatment or whatever weak responses I know I’ll get regarding this… Pick up a pair of boxing gloves, a stone, something. Don’t let them take away your kids, beat that soldiers ass! You want to be so empowered learn how to take a punch, and then give a couple more. If you want to be empowered.

Personally, I’d pick up those gloves, and learn all this… But at the end of the day, since being a God fearing Christian is such a huge factor, (pfffft) go home and wash his clothes, cook his food, and wait for that bastard to dare say something about the meat.

Have an empowering day!

The Life Of The Party

Lipstick, mascara, blush
A dab of this, a splash of that,
A little powder,
To hide that furrowed brow,
Concerned about assignments,
A lot of gloss,
To turn a frown formed by petty concerns,
About time… Or the lack of,
Into a sexy pout.
Now THAT, they say, is a look,
For the life of the party.

Bright lights, laughter, loud music,
But all she sees,
Are leering faces,
All she hears,
Are drunken jeers,
All she feels,
Is building irritation…
Yet everyone seems at ease… So…
A couple of shots, turn into a couple more,
Then a cocktail,
A single, then a double,
Her worries dissolve into
Salt Tequila Lime…
And she manages,
And now she sees
Happy faces,
Now she hears
The compliments of strangers
All she feels
Coursing through her
Is the life of the party.

All troubles aside,
All responsibilities discarded,
The horrors reality holds
Fade into nothingness…
Flashing lights,
Kisses on her cheek,
High fives all around…
A hand on her behind?!
Or was that the surge of the crowd?
Wharevz!
The usual alarms, swallowed by the hypnotizing beats,
She mustn’t forget,
She mustn’t listen to the voices,
And she drowns them with another shot..
Another triple double?
“Whazzatripldoub?”
Nobody hears,
She doesn’t care…
She’s beautiful… Accepted
In control,
The master of the game,
Puppeteering the minions,
The life of the party.

Everything speeds up,
Fast cars, tequila shots, techno music,
Warmth, then harsh heat,
Overpowering nausea,
A shattered mirror,
Smudged makeup,
Smelly toilets
Concerned faces,
Ice cold water,
And it slows again…

Giggles, laughter, rough voices,
Warm breath in her ear,
Kisses on her skin,
A constant reassurance that it will all be fine…
How could it not?
She’s the life of the parrrraaaaaay!

But what happens,
When the music stops,
And the lights are off…
When you no longer recognise the person you’re with,
When all you hear is the snores of a mistake,
When all you feel, is shame and disgust?
And all you’re surrounded with are the empty cups,
Gaping upwards at you,
Like grotesque mouths,
Mocking and laughing at you?
Do you still feel beautiful?
Do you still feel accepted?
Do you still feel like
The life of the party?

How To Create An Enemy

Start with an empty canvas
Sketch in broad outline the forms of men women and children

Dip into the unconsciousness well of your own disowned darkness
With a wide brush and
Strain the strangers with the sinister hue of the shadow

Trace onto the face of the enemy the greed,
Hatred, carelessness you dare not claim as your own

Obscure the sweet individuality of each face

Erase all hints of the myriad loves, hopes, fears that play through the kaleidoscope of every infinite heart

Twist the smile until it forms the downward arc of cruelty

Strip flesh from bone until only the abstract skeleton of death remains

Exaggerate each feature until man is metamorphosed into beast, vermin, insect

Fill in the background with malignant figures from ancient nightmares – devils, demons, myrmidons of evil

When your icon of the enemy is complete
You will be able to kill without guilt
Slaughter without shame.

The Price Of Writing

HUUUUUUGH!

Yes, somebody lied. LOL.

Ok for real, I did. Remember the last post, you know with the false promises of posts? Pahaha. Yeah, thats NOT gonna happen.

 

 

I would explain the reason, it being that drafts are merely unfinished ideas and jokes that sound funny in your head but really would be met with a dull awkward mind numbing silence and a swift change of topic OR you are met with blank expressions because nobody understood you so you have to tell the bloody joke again and then theyll laugh but not after the joke has been brutally murdered and most people just wont bother… and all you can do is sit there either feeling like a fool that finds the most stupid, most ignorant things amusing… or maybe start questioning whether its your friends that have the intelligent levels of a dirty sock… which turns into this internal monologue: “Maybe it is I with this fucked up God complex that makes me think that I’m more intelligent than everyone else but really I”M the runt of the pack and just loudmout….”

WHAT?

That DOESN’T happen to you?

…me neither…was just asking for a friend…

What friend?

Gina, she’s always out of town, you wouldn’t know her….she died. ANYWAY…

 

 

But since were on the topic of God complexes (you see? You see what I did there?) something strange has been happening of late. I’ve been meeting my readers… which is MADDENINGLY flattering but TOTALLY FUCKING HORRIFYING at the same time.

Reason?

Let me share a recent encounter with a total stranger who manages to be twisted enough to read this specific blog (but no not you guys. You guys are awesome.)

Disclaimer:

This conversation is not written with any arrogance at all. This is the crap that happens to me, and I was scared shitless when all this was happening. I kid thee not.)

Names have been changed to protect the identity of the people involved.**

**Roho safi even if I didn’t care about your identities (which is the case) its not like I remember. I’m shite with names… and faces. What I am NOT shite with is WORDS (which you would know because you are READING my blog.) <== THATS the arrogance talking, I do apologize.

                              I did not have sexual relations with this ego.

 

Setting: Social, a lot of food, sunshine, sundresses and meat. I think it was a barbeque. There was no alcohol – hence the great memory- and I recall being extremely quiet lest all the evil things I wanted to say spilled out and I wouldn’t have anything to blame it on. In the middle of a conversation about the last episode of Vampire Diaries. Was considering saying it was heatstroke when the following ensued.

Friend of mine, lets say Gina (remember her?) : BTW Olivia why’d you stop writing?

Me:     Ah, you guy -yes, I am a yugai maigai Nairobian- I’ve had mad writer’s block and my drafts stopped seeming good enough, coz of now the pressures of having to write something better than the last so as to please the previous….

At this point, girl 1 and 2, lets say Teddy and Bear (because they were the two cutesy friends who are both the same height and giggle in unison) amble into the conversation and urge me to continue, which is good. (Hi-5 girls *excited squeals all round*)

     … anyway I was sayin’ the last guys also have to be jazzed and also any new followers on Twitter…

Teddy:     Twitter’s awesome!

Bear:      It is right?

Me:     … TOTALLY RIGHT! (voice has gone into this false high pitch) But anyway I graduate soon, and I’ll practically be a door to door salesman selling myself to any decent law firm, and they’ll have to do a background check on the Internet and first thing they’ll see is a pornographically suggestive blog name and posts about marijuana use, DMT experimentation and questionable nature of Bible stories with Jesus jokes. I mean SERIOUSLY…

Bear:     Wait, what are you talking about?

Teddy:     I think she’s a blogger.

Bear:       A blogger! You blog!?

Teddy:     Blogs are awesome.

Me:             Uhh… yeah.

Gina:         She’s actually not that bad, you could even say she’s good.

Me:            (visibly uncomfortable, waiting for the next embarrassing questi…)

Bear:          Me and Teddy love blogs! Don’t we Teddy? What’s it called?

Me:             Well, you see….

Gina:        The name’s awesome! MY BRAIN IS IN MY BRA! HA! Can you imagine! You understand right!!!! Hahaha LOL

Me:             (inwardly) FUCK YOU, GINA!

Teddy:   I READ IT! OMG!!!!!!!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG… The one about Changing Times…. my best was the one for the life as a cigarette!!!!

Me:         (getting even more and more mortified) Actually that wasn’t mine that was my friend Jake’s…

Bear: How! I thought the blog was yours? So you arent as talented as were meant to think?

Me:   OMG OMG OMG PLEASE GOD SMITE ME!!!!!

Bear:  (clearly hasnt realised the evil in her words, continues…) anyway the name’s awesome, even if it does sound like porn…but like it’s awesome right? Sindio, Teddy.

Teddy: Your tits are awesome.

 

At this point in time I am so fucking uncomfortable and Bear has left to call her random friends Push-Up, Bra, Hair and Brush to come and point out the porn star with a blog. All I can do is pretend to have gotten a phone call from an ailing aunt and had to leave the barbecue where I promptly called my REAL friends J and B.

 

DO NOT get me wrong, its awesome meeting a reader, who isnt an immediate friend or a nosy family member threatening to expose my ungodly behavior to my ma OR a former class teacher SMH-ing at me, “We expected better Orefea!” but aside all that its kinda unsettling coz I thought you guys were like…four, five, SEVEN if i was being extremely hopeful.

I guess the reason for this post is just to admit that I will never get a job as a litigator even to support a Mungiki member unless I erase my internet footprint (which I had actually considered) but I figured getting over writer’s block was easier to do than being a model student (they won’t believe me even if I meant it) so….

My brain remains in my bra.

 

 

 

 

 

No Apologies (The Content Is Still Rubbish)

Happy Thanksgiving! Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! Fuck you and your boyfrie…. I mean Happy Valentines Day!

 

Now that that shits over and done with, Ive come to address the rumours of my bloggicide. They are true. Thing is nobody calls it bloggicide, they call it “serious electrical short circuits that led to the collapse of all things….electrical” But anyway I decided to return, albeit for an extremely short period… (I’m in forth year, I have to front like I’m important….even though graduation is about as likely as ….lets just stop there before I burst into tears)

 

So this is just a blog reminding you that I have a blog. I have several drafts by the way, I’m just working on them to make my return as big as a hoax as the Beyonce pregnancy.

                                       Yes, we believe you gave birth after 5 months.

 

ANYWHORE…. Let me just give a preview of the mind vomit thats been spewing in my drafts

 

1. 10 Tips To Surviving The Zombie Apocalypse In Kenya

2. A Descent Into Madness (Prisoners Log of Being Trapped In A Car On The Way To Shagz)

Wait.

Thats not how youre meant to do it? I mean the element of surprise and yada yada? Whatever.

 

3. Official Petition to ABC to renew V for a third season (YOU CANT JUST END A SHOW LIKE THAT!!!!!)

4. The End Of Twitter As We Know It ( And Its All #KOT’s fault)

5. Advanced Blasphemy 101 (OK its not 101 i its Advanced but you get the point)

6. LOL!!!! WAR!

Ok thats about all the creativity that hit me in the last 3 months… sad innit. All will be uploaded in the course of this week.

 

What, No Rapture?

So it’s October 22, 2011 and *big whoop* we’re still here. World – 2 Howard Camping – 0 and I think were all pretty cool with that, nee? Ok apart from those intellectuals who dropped out of med school and spent up all their life savings just so that they could back up a man who probably wasn’t emo enough in high school to start up a suicidal cult and/or tripping off DMT**. Really bright people you know?

(For all those totally unaware what DMT is, well a lot of you don’t I actually just found out about it yesterday. It is this natural drug that consists mainly of some chemical released before you die. It’s released by the pineal gland which is basically where your 3^rd eye is meant to be, so you know, you can be all knowing and stuff. Anyway, the high lasts exactly 8 minutes…and those 8 minutes are the ULTIMATE experience. Don’t Wikipedia it; those facts are boring as fuck and only necessary if you actually want to MAKE the damn drug. There’s really no site that I can pint point and say that THAT’S the best site for information on this thing but well I never really read that extensively on it. I have patience issues, sue me. This drug is currently the strongest drug in the world, with absolutely no addiction effects because well you see your own things and would be really fucked up if you’d continuously expose yourself to the deepest darkest corners of your subconscious. As in really like I’m still battling with myself to see whether I would ever try this thing and I really don’t want to. There’s an experience I read where this guy was talking to a bejeweled vagina … yes VAGINA… and the vagina told him that he was not an individual but infinity itself… and how consciousness works as a reducing valve that reduces perception of the infinite. Now if a vagina is telling you the secrets of the universe as in really….why….anyway this thing makes everyone see their own things… several people have claimed to be contacted by praying mantis (mantises?) and have seen aliens and elves… just Google it. Also www.dmt-nexus.me is also kinda cool. Thank me later. Or don’t. You probably won’t. Assholes :p)

As I always digress. Actually for once the digression has something to do with the title (what would happen when we die, and all this for $100 a pop!) anyway. So Howard “My Calculations Were Incorrect But I Got It Right This Time Bitches!” Camping was wrong again. The first time I won’t lie, I was kind of into the whole mass pandemonium that was going round, and I was kinda worried. Lord knows that I wasn’t one of those pure souls that was going to ascend because well the last time I was in a church like structure was in high school, compulsory mass that I heavily avoided (suck on that Sr. King’ori!) and also well…. You’ve read the blog. Come on. I mock Jesus. There’s no way I was going anywhere.

Then nothing happened. And life continued. Not as usual, I mean its like this guys failed prediction gave everyone psyche to commit sin and go out and murder and steal and fornicate in public parks (yuck Kenyans, come on.)

Then comes the 2^nd failed rapture, and nobody was even concerned. Well neither was I. And that saddens me. I’m not going into a religious talk because as I’ve been told before by some of you, the throne of Hell belongs to me and my views. ( All found in my unapproved comments, I’M BLIND TO YOU! Ya man. Hell my ass. Each and every one of our religious concepts is misconstrued and no amount of wood, beads or paper is going to make me think otherwise.)

This is a public service announcement.

The reason I’m sad is that I (what you think this was about humanity? Pfft.) wouldn’t know WTF to do IF it was actually TRUE. I mean if it was actually TRUE? Like TRUE!!!!! You’ve been given a memo that the world is ending and what do you do? Say fuck it and go celebrate Mashujaa Day drinking and partying. ( If you weren’t doing that, LOSER!) Anyway. I’m sure you are all waiting for the funny part. THERE IS NONE. I’m talking about the end of the world, you sick bastards.

Since I’ve run out of content before the required blog post I might as well bore y’all with YET ANOTHER conspiracy theory. Actually it’s not really a theory, it’s the truth.

So next year there will be the introduction of a new currency in the States, Canada and Mexico called the Amero. With the introduction of this the world will then be divided into unions… the American, Asian, African and European Union… all with their own single currency. So yes the government is still bullshitting you talking about Vision 2030, were all just being robbed. Also the designs of this Amero are so bloody weird, like you can actually see the devil horns shaped like Baphomet ( Google that as well.) Also there will be introduction of new identity cards that EVERYONE will have to get, electronically placed with a chip that monitors everyone’s movements. If you don’t get said ID card, you will no longer be allowed to board any plane, get a passport, social security number or even a job.

Also…fun fact. Did you know that in every single Disney movie that you watch, there is a penis, naked woman AND vagina shown almost every 20 minutes? Yeah.

Have a great post rapture day folks!!!